How To Write A Letter To A Music Magazine

By dean

Dear <insert derogatory title>,

I've had it. After seeing <insert popular band> on your cover last month, I felt compelled to stick <insert popular band> CD's down my throat until I gagged and vomited silver splinters. You guys suck.

A cover story on <insert underclass non-pretty boy band>? Disgusting! What's wrong with <insert poster-ready indie band>? Why can't you just write about them? <lead singer of poster-ready indie band> has more talent in <his/her random appendage -- preferably something of small size> than <non-pretty boy band lead singer's entire body/brain/back-catalogue/loins -- preferably something of large size>.

And what is <letter writer's> problem with <"hot" indie band>? Her letter last month showed that she must not have a brain in her head as she can't even realize the spiritual grandness of <"hot" indie band> and how gorgeous <lead singer> is and how the dreary losers of the bands she mentioned (<low-hyped cult band>? Gimme a break!) are too ugly and untalented to even get close to the bands that really matter. Get over it!

And <staff writer> has got to have <his/her> head up his <orifice>. Praising <cult band> while slamming <hyped new act>? This is a really screwed up world. I bet <s/he> still listens to <fashionable indie act of a year ago>! Why can't <s/he> just keep <his/her> opinions to <himself/herself>? They are so biased!

Your magazine would be greatly improved if you had a <hyped indie act> poster supplement. Or better yet, another cover! Until then, shape up or you're going to <threat of loss of subscriber/mail-bombing/blasting of favored band on stereo outside publishing headquarters/etc.>. Just get up to speed again. You used to be so <compliment>, and now you're just plain <insult>. You bunch of <slang for homosexuals>.

Die die die die die die die die die!



                                    <pissed-off adjective>





P.S. I would like to write for your magazine.